Good Childhood

by Not Caleb

supported by
/
  • Streaming + Download

     

1.
02:49
2.
3.
4.
5.
05:50
6.
03:47
7.
03:14
8.
04:09
9.
01:59
10.
01:34
11.
12.
03:07

about

"There is a frantic immediacy about Good Childhood, the latest full-length recording from Burlington singer-songwriter Not Caleb. Not Caleb is, in fact, Caleb. Caleb Bauscher, to be precise. As its title suggests, his third record is primarily concerned with reflecting on his childhood. In the album's liner notes, Bauscher writes nostalgically of a time when the limited perspective of childhood created a cocoon of security — or at least the illusion of one. But as he's grown up, he's learned all too well that life sometimes sucks." -Dan Bolles "Sevendays VT"

This album was recorded with "Otreus Mini Studio" on an Iphone 3.
Mixed on Audacity.

Special thanks to Joey Russo, Sage Mosso, Jon Watts and Tom Wolf for being a part of this album.

credits

released February 5, 2015

tags

license

all rights reserved

about

Not Caleb Burlington, Vermont

Silly Songs With Larry cover band

Emo Singer-Songwriter Portland, OR

contact / help

Contact Not Caleb

Streaming and
Download help

Track Name: The Dream
I see this woman with long black hair. I remember her being tall and my mother is 4 foot 11? Maybe 5 foot 2 or something like that. She's shorter than I am, I know that much. Anyway, I always believed this woman was my mother. She didn't look anything like my biological mother, but, she was my mother. She was crying. We were in my living room late at night but, it was my living room in the early 90's before we had the addition built onto the house for my grandfather. It was dark but bright at the same time. Must have been the lightening. I could see out of the window through the front yard and the rain and I didn't know if I was standing or floating. I didn't even know if I was Caleb or Not because I could see a baby in a crib on the floor. It was either asleep or dead. I thought it was me. But, how could it be me? Did I die and come back? Everything was eerie and dark with silhouettes, flashes of light; nothing made sense. It did when I was younger but I didn't think much of it. I didn't think much of anything. I don't even remember when this happened or if it was even a Dream or not. I just remember those few details; It's my oldest memory. It confuses me as to why I still remember it or why I think about it so often. I feel like it's going to be Deja Vu at some point in my life. My son dies, my wife crying; I'm at a loss for words. Or, maybe it's deeper down than that. Maybe it's the last thing I remember from my past life. I died an infant and my soul drifted away from the child and into a new child. It all has it's loopholes though, some things are just too hard to grasp. Maybe it's better not to think about it and just be happy where you are. That is my oldest memory or my first dream. After that, It's just memories of My Childhood.

I want to feel something that I had never felt before. I want to see something out of this world.
Track Name: Rise and Shine
I can hear you climbing up those antique stairs
to wake me
But I pretend to be asleep
I won't get up that easily

But you're so persistent
You would always wake me twice

I had always slept in my jeans and a t-shirt
So I could sleep in

But you came in for a third time
And I can feel you by my side
And you had always calmed me
And warmed me when you'd say

Get up, get out of bed

"Rise and shine, my love
You don't want to miss a second
Of the songs the robins sing for you,
Of the sun and it's light
I promise you, it's going to be bright
Just open your eyes, my son
Everything will be alright"

How did I become the pessimist with such an optimistic mentor?
You must see so many different colors while
All of my clothes are earthy-tones

But you're so persuasive
And gave me a change of heart
You put things into perspective
You kept the bad out of my head

So get up and get out of bed

"Rise and shine, my love
You don't want to miss a second
Of the songs the robins sing for you,
Of the sun and it's light
I promise you, it's going to be bright
Just open your eyes, my son
Everything will be alright"

I can see the sky from my bedroom
And it changed me
I wish I didn't know anymore

I miss those mornings, mother
How do I get them back?
What if you have to leave me?
I don't know what I would say

Just tell me it will be okay

"Rise and shine, my love
You don't want to miss a second
Of the songs the robins sing for you,
Of the sun and it's light
I promise you, it's going to be bright
Just open your eyes, my son
Everything will be alright"

"I'm blessed to have you son
I swear I treasured every second
of the times that I've shared with you
We'll grow old and we'll die
But I promise you that I won't leave your side
Just close your eyes my love
Everything will be alright"
Track Name: The Red Store
At noon, we take off our shoes
All of the love was in the sun and I couldn't refuse
to be buried in a 1980's station wagon
with the wooden paneling
in the maroon sunlight

Nearly twelve kids sweating to death in their hand-me-downs
As our father drives
Us to the lake, located in an unknown place
Though we did not care, no, It didn't phase me

We used to stop and get penny-candies at the Red Store
and with just pennies to our name, I knew that no one was to blame
I knew my parents loved me like I was their only child
And they were rich to me

But, ever since I saw my brother try to kill himself
The serenity of life took an awkward nosedive
And then I thought to myself that maybe, just maybe
this whole life thing isn't all it's made out to be

Eventually, this will all just fade away
Like my mother told me

And my father tried
And my brothers tried
and my sisters tried
Now my mother cries
and my father cries
and my brothers cry
and my sisters cry

Everybody cries
And i see that now

Now every time I drive past that vacant red store
My blue heart sinks into a nostalgic pit
and I haven't grown a bit since then
But now I cannot fit into anything

I have memories of getting penny candies at that red store
And it still makes me smile
Track Name: The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost
Tell me, David,
How do you play the role of The Father, Son and Holy Ghost?
How did you raise this baby into an atheist man?
How do you spread your love when this world is all dried up?

How do you love my Mother without your heart giving up?
How did you take that boy and turn him into who I am today?

I don't believe in Jesus but, I believe in you
I don't believe in God but, I believe in you
I don't believe in Love but, I believe in you
I don't believe in anything as much as I believe in you

How is your faith still alive?
And how did you stay so strong?
You know, I've never seen you cry but I'm sure that I've seen fire in your eyes

You are more than a father
You are the Holy Ghost
You are my faith in humanity, love, life and why I get up in the morning

I don't believe in Jesus but, I believe in you
I don't believe in God but, I believe in you
I don't believe in Love but, I believe in you
I don't believe in anything as much as I believe in you

I want to be like you
I want to fall in love
I want to trust in God so I know that I'll see you up in Heaven

I could believe in Jesus because I believe in you
I could believe in God because I believe in you
I could believe in Love because I believe in you
I don't believe in anything as much as I believe in you
I don't believe in anything as much as I believe in you
Track Name: Elijah
There's something about this morning air in early august that makes me want to take deep breaths
The car took me far away. I've gone this far; I can't turn back now

These red houses in the woods make me nervous, along with all of these kids that i don't know yet
My parents left me at bible camp, but, I'm shy and I don't talk much

"Elijah, can I be your friend? And you can show me how you have fun"
"Elijah, wont we get into trouble for this?"

Toilet paper dressed the girls bathroom and we shouldn't even be out of bed yet
But this is the most fun that I've ever had
I didn't know that I could be bad or if I had it in me
Now Elijah has a girl in his sleeping-bag

And I thought trading Oreo's
for Pokemon-cards was as far as this would go
I've gone this far: I can't turn back now

Now I'm hiding under the table from the countless thunder screams
Seeming reckless in this restless summer breeze
Becoming social to keep up with latest trends
Fell in love with a short-haired girl who I'd never see again

I don't have Jesus in my heart
I don't even know who he is anymore
He was was a made up friend who couldn't hold my hand

"Elijah, I wonder what you're doing now after fifteen years."
"Elijah, I bet you'll never know that this song exists"

Now I'm hiding under the table from the countless thunder screams
Seeming reckless in this restless summer breeze
Becoming social to keep up with latest trends
And I found a temporary friend
Now I'm hiding under the table from the countless thunder screams
Seeming reckless in this restless summer breeze
Becoming social to keep up with latest trends
Fell in love with a short-haired girl who I'd never see again


Fell in love, fell in love
Track Name: Beyond Me
Underneath these clothes and bare bones
Lies a heart, intact
Never shattered nor patched back
together with glue
like a lamp
before my mother came home
That was a long time ago
Before I wore my heart on my sleeve
or even knew what that means
I only worried about what Toys I had
Or what time I had to go to bed
Beyond this was beyond me

I'll stick to what I know
If it rains or if it snows
I'll be outside jumping in puddles or
catching snowflakes on my tongue
if my feet get wet, or my hands get too cold
I won't cry
I know that the heating vent inside
Will keep me dry

What keeps me alive?
What keeps me warm inside?
I will go unknown
All of my stories; untold
Nothing is ever set in stone
Like a name engraved grave
The name will surely wither away
With rain and snow
The wind that blows
The dust from where we've grown
Flames that burned our unforgiving skin
I will forgive you
If you forget me

Jealousy is stronger than me
so, I won't fight
It's better off left alone
If you love something, you'll let it go
I am not a forward thinker
In fact,
I'm always taking steps back into the past
and fleeting memories
Everything is far beyond me
Track Name: Good Grief
I wrote your name down on my wall and you told me you get that a lot.
My nervous words would never speak and these feelings were too heavy to hold.
I'm always holding on to what's already gone.
For years, I'd haunt this house and told myself that I would never come out. But, my skin is cold and my frozen bones are too weak to carry on my own.
and when i'd wake up, I'd go back to sleep.
My body waits for me in bed; an empty vessel for an empty soul. My heavy head keeps drifting off to memories of less concerning things
Like you and me.
The First time I fell in love I hit the ground without making a sound and I'm tired from staying up all night cleaning up this mess I've made of myself.
I'm always counting sheep until I fall asleep.

I think I've had enough. Good grief, maybe now I can get some sleep.
Track Name: Deathbeds
I saw light flicker from your eyes
Too many things you didn't recognize
Cancer clouding up your head
Lying in your deathbed

Your balloon takes to the sky
as tears fall from my mother's eyes
You fought a battle you knew you'd lose
But you're home now
And your lover will be there soon

My mother's father lives alone
He's taking insulin on his own
His hands shake and he talks slow
My father takes him into our home
But what you're looking for, you won't find it here

On a grey March's sleep
You came in the night like a thief
I pushed your deathbeds together
And hoped you'd both wake up in heaven
A bright light turns to nothing
But you see her standing there
and She asks, "Was it me you were looking for? Baby, I've been right here. What are you waiting for, baby? I'm right here."
Track Name: Mudroom Door
Mudroom door to where we kept all of our shoes and boots
and ran outside from the living room where I pretend to be someone I'm not
And this stick will play along
It will be my sword as I'm a soldier
And my adventure takes me through the backyard
And through the dump
Through the forest, Through the swamp

Oh, excitement rots my bones
Fatigue kicks in and I'm going home

Through the mudroom door
Through the mudroom door
I kick off my boots and I am home
I'm one day older
and It's getting old
I'm getting boring
I'm getting lost
I'm losing purpose
I'm losing hope
Through the mudroom door
Track Name: My Childhood
I would listen to the sounds of crickets singing
There was a sense of comfort in their voices over complete silence
The world was far too big for me, for i was just a boy
The thought of even moving to a different house made my stomach sink
This was my home
This was my childhood
Anything that took me one step closer to leaving this place was another night of anxiety and sitting alone outside in the dark
I couldn't sleep
I wanted time to stand still
I told my father "i wish we didn't have to change
so that i could just be me, and you could be you"
But, every day was one day closer to leaving this place
And it wasn't just the house i was leaving
I was leaving behind my childhood; my innocence
I was leaving behind the imagination that led me through these woods and backyards filled with adventure
It was the fear of losing excitement in pretending
It's gone
But i still pretend
I pretend that i'm asleep
I pretend that i'm in love
I pretend that i'm okay
and i even have myself fooled
Track Name: No Place Like Home
This mud room door that has opened and closed for me everyday is a reminder of what i've lost. The shoes and boots that i will never again fit into. I have bigger shoes to fill now. But, these shoes took me far away from home. They are making my feet sore and i'm tired. I'm tired of all of the job interviews, all of the apartment searching, all of the fake smiles and small talk, growing older and growing apart. It breaks my heart. I keep hoping that this is all just a vivid dream and i will wake up to the sun shining through my attic window again. I will feel the blue and red carpet underneath my bare feet. I will walk down those antique stairs and rub my eyes to make sure that this isn't another dream. Then, I walk through that mudroom door for the the first time in what feels like forever. I smell the dirt and dawn and without socks, I put my shoes on. I open the door to my world and step into the maroon sunlight; It is no longer black and white. I say to myself something like "It was a long walk. But, I have made some great friends and i have seen great things. I have loved and lost, laughed and cried. I have seen my self change before my eyes. But, at the end of the night, at the end of everything, we go home." Then, like how Dorothy survived the tornado, I woke up and I found peace once more.

There's no place like home
There's no place like home
Track Name: Toy Swords
This is the first time that I've felt at home in a long time- Since I was on my front lawn in the summer. I was eight years old, with my brothers, running barefoot and playing with toy swords. But, when we grow up we get used to the things that don't make us happy; throw it all away. Then, we blame it on the people who truly care about us and just fuck it up.
But, I've vowed to learn from my mistakes, I'm not going to give it all away.
But, I'll give you everything I own, just promise me I wont die alone. Isn't that what life is all about?

Then I woke up from a dream that I swore I had before and I saw you; none of that made sense to me, but I was happy. I could feel it shaking all of my bones
And now I remember why I came, I'm not going let this get away.
But, I'll give you everything I own, just promise me I wont die alone
Isn't this what life is all about?

I'm home now and I will hold you close like I did when I was young. I wont let you go.
It's clear now as I go outside, the sun burns my eyes but I feel safe. They can't take me away.